My dad and I were talking about decision-making and our youth. A couple themes emerged and stood out as we discussed some of the decisions youth make these days and what adults can do to help them make better ones. One idea that arose was the concept of ownership. When everything is someone else’s fault, ownership of the results is shifted to someone else. We need to teach our youth that they are responsible for their outcomes. It is true that circumstances sometimes plays a part in where we find ourselves. However, where we remain is totally up to us.

No child chooses to be abused! Living in a dysfunctional family is not optional for children. That cannot be disputed, and it takes a different kind of assistance to enable those children to grow to maturity without the burdens of mental disorder that typically arises out of abuse. Some manage to shed the baggage of emotional distress while others seem to remain burried under the putrid remains of emotional upheaval. Good counseling is available to help those children, and we adults need to take the responsibility of connecting them with that support.

On the other hand, what are we teaching our youth about the decisions they must make? What are we modeling for them? As a therapist co-leading a group of teen girls dealing with anger and other uncontrolled emotions, I get to listen to them talk about some of the decisions that landed them in our group. This group is mandatory for some of them. Then I realize it is their parents who are provoking many of them to behave the way they do! They have learned that the way to respond to people and circumstances is to become angry, lose control, fly into a rage, and get physical. They have learned that other people make them angry. It’s the other person’s fault that they respond the way they do. They don’t have to own the consequences of their behavior, or they should not be punished for their behavior, because the other person made them that way.

I pose this question: How do we get them to see that it’s all about their choices?